Block That Simile, Tackle That Metaphor

On March 21st, the Wall Street Journal editorial page posted a rather harsh criticism of the President’s claim that President Obama had ordered a “tapp” (sic) on his private phones. This is notable, I suppose, for the dramatic change in tenor of the paper’s usual and rather benign approach to evaluating President Trump’s utterances, policies, political skill, hairdo, cabinet appointments and the length of his neck wear.

In part, the editorial said, “The President clings to his assertions like a drunk to an empty gin bottle.”

The Clown, a highly skilled wordsmith in his own mind, was impressed by this simile. It reminded him of so many other metaphors and similes (a sub-category of metaphor) that color any narrative like a new giant pack of 50 Crayolas.

Using his extraordinary data retrieval system and keen eye for the apt metaphor, the Clown searched his data-base of material and now offers his loyal readers some of his favorites. Suffice to say that none of them have become cliches yet, as is the case with such phrases as “Hungry as a horse” or “Skinny as a rail.” The Clown would never use these similes unless he otherwise had writer’s block and were desperate.

Enjoy!

  1. The clouds darkened ominously, like when someone turns blue when choking on a chunk of veal.
  2. It was silent, too silent, like when everything gets really quiet.
  3. The Spanish moss drooped from the oaks like intestines spilling from an open gut wound.
  4. His passion swelled like one of those long balloons that clowns use to make animals for kids at parties.
  5. Her eyes welled with tears like clogged toilet water nearing the rim.
  6. He sucked on his cigarette like a Viet Cong siphoning gasoline from an idling armored personnel carrier.
  7. He was taller than he looked except to taller guys who thought he looked short.
  8. The arctic cold crept into his bones like a teenager returning home well after curfew.
  9. The wind whistled through the rigging like a really tall guy whistling the theme song from the Andy Griffith Show.
  10. It was a dark and stormy night like when the sun goes down and bad weather moves in.
  11. His evasions were as slippery as snot on a door knob.
  12. The gurgle in his slit throat reminded her of someone testing Colgate mouthwash after being a lifelong Listerine user.
  13. The shock of learning of her infidelity was like the time he ordered wild salmon and found it was clearly farm-raised.
  14. Her bosom heaved like a freshman pledge at a kegger.
  15. The sun slowly sank into the ocean as if it were some sort of optical illusion.
  16. He stood as motionless as a dog in mid-bowel movement.
  17. The music drifted over the crowd like tear gas at a Berkley protest rally.
  18. Prying open the ancient tomb was nearly impossible, like opening the plastic packaging on Star Wars toys.
  19. The pain of her rejection was sharp, like the pain of passing a large kidney stone but not quite that bad.
  20. She was stunned by his admission, like when she learned that orzo was pasta and not genetically modified rice.
  21. His thoughts were tangled like long, retractable leashes on two weenie dogs attacking a Pomeranian.
  22. He was an angular man, some said as much as 30 degrees but probably more like 10.
  23. When his captors turned on the overhead light it hurt his eyes, like when you stare directly at an eclipse for five minutes without wearing those cardboard and plastic protective glasses available at Walgreens for $1.98.
  24. He was only as hungry as a Shetland pony which are often less hungry than bigger horses.
  25. She was skinny as a latte made with diluted 0% skim milk.

The Clown encourages his readers to submit their own personal favorite similes and metaphors directly to the comments section for the enjoyment of other readers. You do have to be registered at the site to leave comments. Could be worse, the Clown could be trying to sell you something.

 

Observoid of the Day: The impact of music is the same the world over, like gastric distress caused by eating too much cabbage.

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