Many of the Clown’s readers send him questions, knowing that the Clown is never out of answers on virtually any subject. Some of the more interesting questions have been gathered here so that all loyal readers can benefit from his wisdom, accumulated over decades of pondering truth, justice and the American way. Just like Superman, just less attractive in tights.
Q: Where do babies come from?
A: Amazon. See, when mommy and daddy go to bed at night and daddy forgets to leave his socks on, the little camera on the front of the TV, which has been activated by the NSA, takes note and is programmed to notify Amazon that mommy and daddy are ready for a baby. An Amazon order is automatically generated. Then, as the weeks go by awaiting the delayed delivery, mommy begins to swell up due to stress and excess water retention. When the baby does arrive, usually by drone (some have mistakenly thought it was a stork, which is really stupid), mommy’s stress level increases but the water retention abates and she returns to about 120% of her pre-baby weight. With each new baby, this process repeats and eventually mommy is 200% of her svelte college weight and daddy then never ever forgets his socks and the family is complete.
Q: Who invented the Internet and why?
A: Al Gore. See, when Al was in high school, he never got to sit with the cool kids and he promised to get revenge. Eventually, he went to Silicon Valley, California which is named after the slickery stuff in WD-40. He gathered several other guys who never sat with the cool kids either and they hatched a revenge plan. They created an addictive electronic tool that only they understood by using code words instead of real words to confuse and confound jocks and other former cool kids. The former cool guys were emasculated by not being able to make the new electronic tool work without relying on some nerd who had been a member of the Science Club. Then, to get revenge on the former cool girls, Gore and his accomplices created bizarre sexual content for the Internet that eventually assured that women would be subjected to demeaning sexual practices that had nothing to do with their preferences and convinced them to shave, you know, way up there. And so, it worked out pretty much as Al had hoped.
Q: Is there life anywhere else in the universe?
A: No. See, God created a universe with billions of galaxies, just like our own Milky Way, each 0ne with billions of stars and planets. Added together, this means that there are a quinzillion stars and planets bobbing about in the ether of the observable universe. Then, God decided to select just one place in that massive universe to put humans and in an extraordinary bit of good luck, earth won the lottery. This fact makes each and every one of us very, very special. Of course, different humans have come up with different explanations for our very special relationship to God and if you disagree with some of these people they will cut off your head. Isn’t that pretty special? Otherwise, the universe is just this dark, cold place with no other meaning whatsoever except to illustrate how very, very special we humans are, especially the evangelicals.
Q: Where do we go when we die?
A: Depends. If you led a good life, were kind to animals, old people, in-laws and the snotty people at the DMV, you will be reincarnated in a better body and spend much of your new life at Club Med playing a harp. If, on the other hand, you were a complete ass, cut in front of others on the freeway, bought a BMW, grabbed women, unbidden, by their private parts, made fun of those with cerebral palsy, told racist jokes or carried on with someone else’s spouse at Club Med, you will be reincarnated in a m0re hideous body and spend the bulk of your new life shopping for bargains at Walmart and constantly followed by a blaring mariachi band.
Q: Why are we here?
A: To shop. We’re here, very special beings that we are, to accumulate stuff. We spend virtually our entire existence buying crappola. When we’re little and don’t have money, our parents buy us crap: Legos, iPhones, headsets, Under Armor, Star War figures, burgers at McDonalds, etc, etc. This continues until we are able to buy our own crap, which usually starts when we are about 35, sometimes older. It all depends on when we move out of our parents’ basements, groom a man bun and find a job, using our philosophy degree, as a barista at Starbucks. After that, when the paychecks start rolling in, we buy things critical for our survival: an Eric Clapton model electric guitar, a hoverboard, a Trek mountain bike with knobby tires, an iPhone 7+ and a 52″ HD Vizio TV. This pattern continues until we die and our children are stuck trying to sell a lifetime’s worth of crap to other shoppers at a depressing yard sale. The circle remains unbroken.
That’s quite enough for this session. Next time, Mr. Science Clown will address other pressing questions including: How do they get the peanut inside of the Peanut M&M? Who could have possibly given Sean Spicer a college degree? Where does Steve Bannon buy his snappy outfits? Is hip hop real music and, if so, will it ever, ever die out? Will self-driving cars care if you “get it on” in the back seat? If Elon Musk finally lands humans on Mars, will that make earth humans way less special?
Observoid of the Day: Avoid cliches like the plague.