Redskins Dilemma

Now that the Washington D.C. Football Team is no longer the “Redskins”, the open question is, “What will be the new name?” Apparently the organization reached out to the public for suggestions. What could possibly go wrong?

Once they started rolling in, team management organized a committee to consider the public’s suggestions, eliminate those that were way worse than “Redskins” and consider names that the committee generated on its own.

Given that Native American-related names and mascots are currently under fire across the country, the committee first considered mascot names that reflected the team’s hometown of Washington D.C. and its primary industry, government, instead of the indigenous peoples whom the government methodically slaughtered during the 18th and 19th centuries. This seems like a very sensible and sensitive approach.

Several early but eventually rejected suggestions included: The Washington Hypocrites, The DC Idiots, The Washington Special Interests, The Capital Clowns, The DC Deep State, The Washington Pale Faces, The Capital Swamps and the DC Grifters.

The committee carefully considered but also rejected other names that could inflame racial, ethnic or social group feelings thus eliminating several suggestions including: The Chinks, The Slopes, The Wops, The Pollocks, The Hebes, The Hymies, The Wasps, The Sambos, The Krauts, The Wetbacks, The White Eyes, The Crackers, The Towel Heads, The Gooks, The Skinheads, The Rednecks, The Greasers and The Karens. In each case it was determined that any one of these names would be no or only a slight improvement on Redskins.

The Clown, considering his-own-self to be quite the creative brand guru, has given the naming issue some thought. Perhaps the answer lies in exploring things about a professional football team that are intrinsic to the profession. Thus, one could consider: The Hulks, The Tattoos (The Tats), The Showboats, The Cursers, The Concussions, The Ruined Knees or The End-Zone Dancers.

Like the Cincinnati Reds, The Cleveland Browns, The St. Louis Blues or the Stanford Cardinal, The Washington Football Team could adopt a color as a safe team name although The Washington Blacks is likely D.O.A. Or, as with the Chicago White Sox or Boston Red Sox, The Washington naming committee could combine a color with a particular piece of football apparel, thus becoming the Ecru Thigh Pads or the Burnt Sienna Face Masks.

Perhaps, in these days of over-the-top political correctness, the best avenue for naming the team should keep to the least offensive possible choices. Animal names are always popular but most of the good ones are taken (The Bears, The Lions, The Rams, The Falcons, The Tigers, The Orioles, The Cardinals, The Seahawks, The Diamondbacks, The Dolphins, The Ravens, The Rays, The Eagles and The Mets). We are left, then, with the white bread of team names: The Inocuems, The Mehs, The Whatevers, The So Sos and, my favorite, The Fumblers.

The Fumblers captures a particular aspect of the game, is tangentially associated with the Congress, reflects the current chaos in the White House and predicts the future of the Supreme Court as it slouches toward discredit. The name gives fans something to blame  when the team is doing poorly and it becomes ironic when they are on a winning g streak. Football fans are big into irony.

In  the meantime, Washington football fans have to encourage their team with shouts of “Go you Football Team” or “Football team, Football Team, Football Team” or “Two, four, six, eight, who do we appreciate? Whatever, Whatever, Whatever!”

Bless their hearts.


Observoid of the Day: There is no person as dangerous as the motivated ignorant.

Bonus Observoid: We live in the “Information Age” but a whole lot of people have failed to take advantage.


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