Mr. Answer Clown, Winter Edition

It has been a relatively slow news cycle since January 20th, likely a result of simple seasonal blues, although it could be related to something more sinister. I’ll check my QAnon sources to see if there is any reliable scuttlebutt that would titillate my propensity to accept conspiracy theories as they slither out of the swamp.

Where was I? Oh, yes, the slow news cycle has allowed the Clown to read numerous “advice columns” from across the web as well as in the “enemy of the people” print media. Often, the Clown finds questions that are answered incorrectly, well-meaning I’m sure, but wrong. When this occurs, the Clown forms an answer that the original questioner should have received and sends the 13th Clown link to them.

All of the questions in this post have actually appeared in advice columns recently.

Dear (Advisor): How can I get my parents to remove the life-size Ronald McDonald statue from our backyard? We moved to California from Shanghai and the statue, a gift to my father as a loyal McDonald’s employee, came with us. Embarrassed

Dear Embarrassed: Frankly, I find this question highly insulting. Ronald McDonald is to clowndom what Josh Hawley is to the Proud Boys. Ron has turned his clown gig into some serious money, a state of wealth of which most clowns, including the 13th, can only dream. You should be ashamed of yourself as I’m sure that your father’s loyal service to the world’s foremost obesity purveyor has given you a comfortable lifestyle and a toney Southern California education. Hang your head, child. Enjoy!

Dear (Advisor): I have a female friend who insists on graphically sharing her multiple-partner sex life with me. It makes me uncomfortable. How can I get her to stop? Perplexed

Dear Perplexed: Clearly, your friend needs to share her stories with someone. She wants validation that all the sex she’s having is actually quite normal. She’s not going to stop with the disgusting graphic details. Here’s a solution, how about I send my private cell number and you can have your friend tell her stories to the Clown, thus relieving you of this horrid chore. It’s the least I can do for someone in need. Enjoy!

Dear (Advisor): I’m a sixty-four-year-old truck driver from East Texas. How can I get the stripper I’m in love with to love me back? Sleepless in Tyler

Dear Sleepless: Become an investment banker. You’re never too old to learn new tricks like how to put together a merger or manage an IPO. Given that strippers are usually in their prime during their 20’s, there is probably a 40-year difference in age, so being worth several millions of dollars is the only realistic avenue open to you. This is called the Larry King model (rest his soul). Enjoy!

Dear (Advisor): How do I tell my partner that I’m breaking up with her because she tried to destroy a nearby 5G cell tower that she believes caused my COVID? Stable Genius

Dear Stable: First off, where was your girlfriend on January 6 this year? It’s possible that she may be facing other charges. Anyway, as Paul Simon so famously declared, “There must be 50 ways to leave your lover”. However, the Clown must first ask, didn’t you realize that this girlfriend was loonier than Rudy Giuliani when you first hooked up? It appears that you have serious issues related to judgement, so whoever comes next in your life is liable to be a real loser too. I suggest you join a monastery or, as Paul would say, “Just become a monk, Punk.” Enjoy!

Dear (Advisor): Should I continue to put pieces of my husband’s toenails in his coffee after he just leaves them all over the house? Disgusted

Dear Disgusted: The Clown has pondered your question for some time but still cannot see a problem to solve here as your solution seems spot on. Although, it might be more effective if you put them into his oatmeal where they are harder to see and provide a nice “crunch” to an otherwise bland dish. Enjoy!

Dear (Advisor): How can I get my parents to update their 1983 Trivial Pursuit set? Feeling Stupid

Dear Feeling: Of course you are feeing stupid because you are a complete moron, and I say that in the kindest possible way. The 1983 version of the game does not include any questions about pop culture beyond 1983 (no rapper names; no Internet arcana; no latest slang words; no app references, etc.). Yet it does include questions related to arcane essential knowledge (the B-side of Stevie Wonder’s “Fingertips”; which came first, WWI or the Great Depression; knowing the members of the Rat Pack; naming Johnny Carson’s co-host; which of the Dorsey brothers played the clarinet; that sort not thing). Ergo, your parents can kick your ass with their version while making you feel stupid during your family bonding time. It’s their revenge for all the stupid stuff you did as children. Enjoy!

Well, that’s all that the Clown has time for today. So, until the feeling moves him to write another blog of questionable importance, be well, stay safe, mask up, dress comfortably, shower every so often, feed the livestock, send money and get the shots.

Observoid of the Day: If one drinks alcohol to alter their mood, they’re doing it correctly.

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