According to leading epidemiologist Dr. Shanna Swan (Icahn School of Medicine at Mount Sinai, Department of Environmental Medicine and Public Health) penises are shrinking — and climate change is to blame. In fact, a host of reproductive problems in both sexes, from erectile dysfunction to infertility, are being spurred by pollution. Chemicals, particularly phthalates, are contributing to our progenitive woes. The issue has become so stark that in some countries, Swan writes, the average 20-something is less fertile than her grandmother was at 35.
Lucky for the Clown, he was born in the late 1800’s, thus avoiding the “penis shrinking” phthalates (pronounced “fpssthsstalattes”) so common today in our toys, cosmetics, detergents, packaging and dildos (irony alert!). The Clown is not gloating, exactly, but instead is gloating specifically.
Those who deny that climate change is real, or that it isn’t mostly caused by the parasites referred to as humans and by carbon emissions caused by the manufacture of dildos and other toys, should take this latest news with some degree of alarm. If size matters, then for every male born after 1980, the fact that his member doesn’t seem to measure up in the locker room with the members of the older members of the club, this is no illusion. It’s likely the reason that these younger men are compensating by driving enormous SUVs that pollute at extraordinary levels and whose upholstery is chock-a-block full of phthalates. Their children, with even greater small penis problems, will not be happy.
To be fair, what global warming has to do with phthalates is not made clear in Dr. Swan’s statement. The Clown, however, never one to ignore a juicy blog topic, isn’t searching for the exact answer for fear that the connection will be less than compelling.
As the infomercial announcers say, “But, wait, there’s more.”
Sperm counts are dropping as well. As a trend, the role of men in human endeavors is, apparently, slowly disappearing and none too soon, according to the more strident feminists.
While the bleaching and death of coral reefs, rising seas, significantly more dangerous storms, the demise of plankton, shrinking habitats for polar bears and desertification of once lush farm land haven’t caused leaders the world (mostly men) to take immediate climate change action, shrinking penis size will likely do the trick. It would seem to be the one climate change result that will concentrate one’s attention, assuming that one is male.
On the upside, shrinking penises will make the aforementioned erectile dysfunction less of a big deal, given that, at a certain point, the the difference in size of the erect versus the flaccid penis will be imperceptible. And too, by the time such comparisons are moot, decades from present, female scientists will have perfected sperm in a test tube that can be sold directly to those women wishing to have children. They could package the manufactured semen in disposable dildo-shaped squirt bottles just for old-time’s sake when young fecund women had to date numerous jerks before deciding on one with whom to create babies. The only reason to keep a man around in that future is to parallel park the family van.
Now, before all of my male readers rush out and murderously descend on manufacturers who use phthalates in their products, you should know that the Clown has discovered a counter-measure, extracted from a rare Brazilian jungle plant called pctzequatl (pronounced “pct-zeq-uant-l). This extract, squeezed from the roots of the plant by native Indians from the Zyqunthphymi (pronounced sy-qun-th-ph-yummi) tribe who, for centuries, have used the extract to induce penis growth in tapiers, a favorite food source and whose penises are considered a delicacy.
The Clown, using his extraordinary biochemistry skills, a working knowledge of the global supply chain and a brilliant marketing talent is creating an over-the-counter version of the extract that will soon be available via the Internet. The price, yet to be determined, will be based on demand and the Clown predicts that it will be quite dear. As with any new product, the marketing department is testing various brand names for efficacy. The current front runners include: Long Wong Silver, Phthalates-ex, Wee-No-More and Zepupruditaq.
Watch this space for announcements regarding availability.
Observoid of the Day: The absurd rumor that Biden will restrict red meat consumption to four pounds per person per year, sent large numbers of panicked republicans to buy 16 Quarter Pounders to stock their freezers.
Whew! Dodged that bullet by…three decades or so.