Just Shocking…Shocking, I Tell You

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NRA Members Strongly Oppose New Gun Restrictions, poll finds

Strong majorities of National Rifle Association members reject newly proposed gun restrictions, according to a survey released Thursday by the gun advocacy organization.

The poll finds more than eight in 10 NRA members oppose bans on high-capacity ammunition clips and semi-automatic assault weapons, with at least seven in 10 opposing each “strongly”. The survey also finds strong support for the NRA and disdain for President Obama and Democratic leaders. Fully 93 percent of (NRA) members say they see Obama in an unfavorable light, and 91 percent say the same for Vice President Biden.

 Washington Post, January 25, 2013

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My reaction to the above news story was similar to that of Captain Renault in the film Casablanca when he learned that there was actually gambling going on in the back room of Rick’s Cafe’ Americain. Like Renault, I was shocked! Who would have thought that Biden would poll better than Obama?

And who could have predicted that a poll of NRA members, financed, designed and administered by the organization, would find such a startling level of push back from those members regarding proposed gun safety restrictions? More than shocked, really, I was stunned.

This news story prompted me to wonder if there were other surveys from other industries that the the media has just carelessly overlooked, concealing information of immense value to the public. Using my extraordinary skills as a researcher and journalist, I scoured public records, journals, newspapers, industry rags, annual reports, marketing material and Wikipedia for any studies that might have the same public value as the recent NRA poll. Readers, let me tell you, there are some doozies floating around out there. I’ll cover only a handful, just those that seem to have the potential to really inform, in the same manner as the NRA study. Ordinary Americans need to know. If you run across an ordinary American, share this with them.

1. In October 2012, the National Association of Independent Insurance Agents conducted a poll among 2,000 of its randomly selected members. Here are some astounding highlights. Fully 98% claim that virtually all American households are “under-insured” and face catastrophe if they don’t immediately contact their nearest independent agent for a complete insurance audit and adjustment. Further, 88% of the respondents believe that “the telephone sales call around dinner time” is their most potent sales tool, closely followed by handing out cheap ballpoint pens with the agency name and contact information printed on the barrel. Nearly three quarters of the respondents noted “feelings of anger” to learn, via a separate 2011 CNN poll, that most of the public considered insurance agents “more annoying than sand fleas”. According to Weldon Skidmore, current president of the NAIIA, “We conduct this survey annually and the data never varies even one standard deviation, whatever that means. Hell, I’m an insurance agent not a statistician. Have a pen.”

2. The International Brotherhood of Accordion Enthusiasts published the results of its latest member survey in 2008. “The cost of conducting these surveys is pretty steep considering that they are financed via the Brotherhood’s membership dues,” according to Lawrence (Larry) Ottler, Executive Director of the Minnesota-based organization. “This is the reason that we only do them every five years or so. Paying any dues at all is a hardship for members who are notoriously underpaid to perform. Well, Myron Floren was an exception.” Several findings from the study are important but not widely known. First, 96% of respondents said that Mahler’s Ninth Symphony would have been “greatly improved” by the addition of an accordion section. Ninety-four percent had the same comment about The Beatles’ version of Hey Jude and Dave Brubeck’s Take Five. Second, over 80% of respondents reported “feelings of anger” to learn that results of a Pew Research survey in 2005 indicated the vast majority of Americans find accordion players “more annoying than sand fleas”. Third, while 94% listed polka dancing as their favorite dance form and ballet as their least favorite, 86% said that “a peppy accordion interlude” would make the final scene of Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake much less depressing.

3. Given a grant by the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, the American Association of Urban Panhandlers conducted personal interviews among members in 18 major metropolitan areas in 2011. According to the results, 99% of the Association members consider the working public to be “cheap f*cking b*st*rds”. Their opinion of the police is marginally better with 95% claiming that most urban law officers are “Mean f*cking b*st*rds”. About three quarters claim that homeless shelters are “full of thieving f*cking b*st*rds, and that municipal drunk tanks are “full of lying f*cking b*st*rds”. According to Allen Edward Boswick III, this year’s acting association president and former Vietnam Special Ops assassin, the study was difficult to complete. “We’d send out college kids to collect data and many of them just disappeared or they got mugged and quit.” Only 2% of respondents “gave a sh*t” that a New York Times poll in 2012 found that the vast majority of Americans find panhandlers “more annoying than sand fleas”.

4. Lastly, The Southeastern Chapter of Life Chiropractic College Alumni Association published the results of its newest bi-annual member survey in 2012. While there are many and telling results in the study, I will highlight only the most important and surprising. Nearly 95% of respondents agreed that chiropractic could cure pancreatic cancer “if it is caught in time” and just over 90% said that chiropractic could fully restore a lost limb “if it is caught in time”.  Almost 80% said that advanced chiropractic, that which utilizes the patient’s own “electromagnetic energy field” and doesn’t actually involve hands-on manipulation, only the hovering of the practitioner’s hands near the trouble spot, could resolve 95% of whatever ails you. “Eighty-five percent of our members find that the most difficult cases to resolve are lower back pain and neck cricks,” according to Trey Wilson acting senior administrator for SCLCCAA. Ninety-two percent of the members were disappointed to learn that a 2009 University of Virginia Medical School survey found that 100% of Americans reject the claim that chiropractic can fully resolve a sand flea infestation “if it is caught in time”.

I’m sure that you feel as I do that this type of important information should be seen more often on the front pages and heard on major broadcast outlets. Ordinary Americans need to be better informed and I think that people who find the NRA study informative are uniquely ordinary.

Observoid of the Day: Almost 52% of all statistics are made up.

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5 Responses to Just Shocking…Shocking, I Tell You

  1. David L says:

    You made me smile again, friend.

  2. Robert Ross says:

    Keep them coming Bruce! Totally enjoyed it! I think number 4 left out the fact that 87.2% of the respondents in #4 were actively wearing tinfoil hats!

  3. Diane says:

    And this is why my name was in your email list! Another great post! And just the laugh I needed today.
    Gotta go. Sand flea infestation . . .

  4. Letty Watt says:

    Thanks for the chuckle. Your reference to Casablanca caught my attention since I just watched it on AMC for the first time (I’m a little late to the Casablanca quotes and references.) However, this line “just over 90% said that chiropractic could fully restore a lost limb “if it is caught in time”” made me howl. I do enjoy your point of view.

  5. Dr. Oz says:

    We can work with you on #4.

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