We’re Going to “Pump You Up”

If it weren’t for third class mail the Clown would get no mail at all.

In any case, as direct mail becomes more precisely targeted, the nature of my junk mail usually deals with products or services that are of some interest to me. For instance, “Galumpf’s Collection”, a catalog of extraordinarily large, colorful shoes in extra wide sizes is always welcome as is the “Rubber Chicken and Fake Nose Newsletter”.

The fact that I now rarely receive mail about products that I certainly don’t need or want explains my umbrage at receiving a modest flyer from “Pos-T-Vac”. This company is the manufacturer of the Erec-Tech, an erectile dysfunction (ED) product based on the physics of the vacuum tube and a small tourniquet. (Please use your own visualization process here because, frankly, the Clown doesn’t want to get into the details except to warn that it is really, really important to remove the tourniquet in a timely fashion.)

Why me? Why would Pos-T-Vac target moi? Did this company spot some personal detail about me or specific purchases that I have made on-line that would have triggered the mailing? My age and gender are easily found but that’s not a very narrow target, unless a majority of males on Medicare are impotent. That’s not so, is it? My location wouldn’t seem to identify me as probably needing their product unless Atlanta has become the epicenter of the ED plague sweeping the country and I missed the CDC report. It hasn’t has it? Are clowns notoriously impotent? That certainly wasn’t the case at the last International Clown Collective Convention in Copenhagen where the red light district was overrun with clowns sporting erections clearly visible, protruding through their polka dotted parachute pants.

Nothing that I have bought on-line recently would strongly suggest untreated flaccidity unless there’s something kinky about car stereo speakers, an Edgar Allen Poe anthology or a few t-shirts. There isn’t, is there?

After my initial high dudgeon subsided, what really caught my attention was the location of this company. Of the following list of people and places, select the one that doesn’t seem to fit: Wyatt Earp, Bat Masterson, Doc Holliday, Matt Dillon, Festus, Miss Kitty, Long Branch Saloon, Boot Hill, cattle drives, Erec-Tech the ED pump. (If you said “Miss Kitty”, you need to get out more.) Had this mailer originated in say, Oakland, Newark, L.A., Vegas, New Orleans or Detroit, I would have simply balled it up and pitched it. But, Dodge City, Kansas, the buckle area of the Bible Belt? This required more investigation.

Having spent my formative years just 150 miles from this famous but now quiet and conservative frontier town, I found it counter-intuitive that Dodge (Kansans just call it ‘Dodge’) is the manufacturing site of one of the world’s most popular pecker pumps . The fact is, however, that Ed Stewart, Sr. invented the product and started the Pos-T-Vac company, with its array of products focused on the male reproductive organ, over 20 years ago in Dodge. This gives me an entirely new perspective of this historic town.

And, Pos-T-Vac apparently makes a quality product that is used by grateful men the world over. (It’s not entirely clear whether the sexual partners of these men are also grateful but to put the best spin on it, let’s assume so.) Not only is the Erec-Tech “98% effective” but it is also “Medicare approved”. This means that for many buyers who would otherwise shell out $350+ for the Erec-Tech plus accessories (and accessorizing seems critical according to their website), the cost will be covered by Medicare and thus paid for by younger Americans. Wooo-hooo! Not that I care about this at all. Not one bit, no siree.

Of course, the Erec-Tech came too late for Matt Dillon who suffered terribly from ED. This explains why, for the 20 years that Marshall Dillon kept Dodge clean and safe, he never once jumped on Miss Kitty even though she wagged her bustled behind at him in every episode of “Gunsmoke”. It also explains why he was unusually peckish with the randy young cowboys who came to town with erections that often lasted well beyond four hours.

Having, in the past and in this very blog, written about the explosion of ED drug ads in magazines and on TV, this perspective of the vacuum pump solution means that I have covered most of the accepted treatments for this particular malady. However, there is also the “small needle”-drug-injection-into-the-penis-base solution; but the Clown is way, way too squeamish to investigate and report back. Do your own damned search if it is all that important to you, because it certainly isn’t to me. No siree. Not at all.


Observoid of the Day:  There is a positive correlation between foot and penis size which may explain clown shoes.

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