Man Smuggles Eyeballs in Rectum

It has been far too long since the Clown searched the Internet for important stories that the Lame Stream Media (thanks, Sarah, for a great meme) refuses to cover, usually because the stories are fabricated and yet believable enough to be news for a certain segment of the public. For example, the big media companies, except FOX, don’t want to report that pushy Michelle Obama has banned the Navy from serving fried food as part of her fixation on eating healthy or that her fawned-over husband has raised taxes on “gatherings of white male conservatives”, specifically the bikers at the Sturgis, S.D. motorcycle rally. It’s certainly possible that these stories are false, but the effort to find out takes all the fun out of sending them on to friends and family (sharing a gene pool usually enhances one’s veracity). It would be like going to a Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum and getting all nit-picky about the snake with fingers.

Many important stories that could impact public health, safety, awareness, education and salacious curiosity are ignored. Here are a few examples of stories that courageous reporters across the globe post to the always reliable Internet but don’t make the cut at ABC, CNN, NBC, CBS or Al Jazeera. They occasionally make it onto FOX.

In Boston last month, a woman’s butt implants exploded while she was performing squats for a workout video. This event was reported on WOIA San Antonio and in Cosmopolitan Magazine as well as on the Internet.

If this isn’t important safety information for the general public, or at least for the millions of people who suffer from the heartbreak of flat tushes, I don’t know what is. If we, the clueless American public, can’t trust the legion of plastic surgeons across this great land to install explosion-proof implants, is nothing sacred? I suggest that technology could be applied to this problem. As additional force is added to these implants, such as when doing a squat or being squeezed by an over-zealous fan on public transportation, pressure could be vented like a whoopee cushion, without the noise of course, thus reducing the potential for bursting. Why does it take someone like the Clown, with no appreciable or apparent medical experience, to see the solution to this problem? Our medical schools are lax, lax, I tell you!

Pope Francis recommends the sterilization of all unwed mothers as a key strategy for reducing global warming, according to United Media Publishing, an Internet-only content provider.

This should be big news don’t you agree? The current Pope usually gets front-page and top-of-the-hour coverage for even the smallest pronouncement. This one, apparently, offended the liberal media elites and it was left to ever-reliable United Media to break the story. The Pope’s recommendation illustrates his brilliance. As we all know, unwed mothers produce approximately 93.7873% of all live births in the world. Each one of these little bastard babies adds two tiny carbon footprints to the globe, especially after they start walking. Choking off the baby carbon footprint supply at its source should curb global warming–if you believe that sort of thing–within a generation. Give me your hand, Pope Fran, I want to kiss your ring.

The U.S. Government is putting tiny listening devices inside packages of Dutch Masters and Swisher Sweets cigars in order to spy on Americans, reported Internet source, Newswatch33.

This is pure genius. The NSA, or whichever government agency has designed this program, is to be commended. The Dutch Masters and Swisher Sweet smoking crowd is obviously the very demographic group most likely to be plotting subversive activity at the highest level. These sophisticates are the same people who infiltrated Lehman Brothers, Citibank, AIG, JP Morgan/Chase et al in 2006-07 and framed these otherwise community-minded and morally upstanding financiers for the crime of nearly bringing down the world economy. Smoking their aromatic–and often harsh–but inexpensive cigars, these plotters secretly created complex and confusing financial instruments of no value whatsoever and then sold them to unsuspecting investors who smoke expensive cigars but aren’t all that bright. Now, with teeny listening devices, each worth about 200 times the price of the cigars themselves, the government has an early-warning system for such devious shenanigans. Your tax dollars are surely working and not just going up in smoke.

It was reported on the Internet that police in Wyoming discovered 30 cow eyeballs in Roy Tilbott’s rectum after DUI stop.

This under-reported story is disturbing on several levels and is certainly newsworthy, especially if you have cows or work for the Wyoming Highway Patrol. Mr. Tilbott, a butcher employed by the Johnson Beef Company in Caspar, was smuggling eyeballs from his employer when he was pulled-over for driving erratically. During Mr. Tilbott’s field sobriety test,  an eyeball dislodged, fell down his pant leg and rolled onto the pavement. He explained later that he had become a fan of eyeballs after watching a Martha Stewart episode that featured sauteed eyeballs in white wine and butter sauce with rosemary and garlic.  The discovery of 29 additional eyeballs in Mr. Tilbott’s anus led the police to drop the DUI charge because, as the trooper said, “With 30 cow eyeballs up your ass, driving erratically is the norm. We see it all the time.”

A recent study has revealed that kale is making people very sick and that everyone should stop eating kale immediately according to Craftsmanship Magazine and reported throughout the Internet.

I knew it, I knew it, I knew it! This comes as no surprise to the Clown. Ever since my own 21-day “cleanse”, which occurred in 2012 at the urging of the then current wife, I have harbored the belief that kale is an evil plot to kill gullible Americans, probably hatched by people who smoke cheap cigars. The cleanse activity involved eating kale-based meals, three times per day for 21 days. The idea, as espoused by numerous “health gurus”, was that such a diet would give the body’s mucus-encased toxins time to escape in the usual manner. My theory is that all self-respecting toxins leapt from my body out of sheer disgust, what with all the slimy, green liquid and crunchy odoriferous roughage pulsing through my system. The toxins probably escaped long before I could stop the kale regimen and resume my normal heart-clogging consumption of real American food. I have been vindicated. Thanks Internet!

As a recovering journalist and seeker of truth, justice and the American Way, the Clown encourages his many faithful readers to spend at least 70% of their news consumption time on the Internet where truth lurks in many dark corners. The darker the corner, the better.

 

Observoid of the Day: “People skills” and “tolerance of idiots” are basically the same.

 

 

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One Response to Man Smuggles Eyeballs in Rectum

  1. sandra klessen says:

    Eyeballs on a bed of Kale… who could resist??

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