Mr. Answer Clown, Summer Series

As we enter the Dog Days of Summer, which in Seattle and Portland are now known as the Vicious Cur Days of Summer, the Clown avoids boredom by visiting various “advice columns” looking for the problems of ordinary, hard-working, people of the land. You know, morons. These folks write to strangers asking for advice about how to improve their pathetic lives or solve ridiculous problems.

Often, these problems are tragically unsolvable due to the fact that the asker is, apparently, genetically wired for “stupid”. Thus, the Clown can craft a more realistic answer than the very patient and well-meaning professional advisors whose business model relies on not insulting their audience regardless of the inanity of the questions. The Clown is under no such pressure.

All of the following questions were submitted to on-line and print advice columnists within the last few months.

Dear Answer Clown,

My (he/him) roommate (also a he/him) now wears skirts almost all the time, both at home and other places. Which, you know, is cool. He also favors baggy boxer underwear. Mix the skirts with the boxers and he’s often flashing me. I’m sure it’s accidental but what should I do or say?

Eyes Averted

Dear Eyes Averted,

This problem comes up all the time in Scotland where skirts are called “kilts” for unknown reasons. They also eat haggis there and this may have something to do with the decision to eschew trousers. It could relate to a haggis-digestion issue, better handled without all the belt loosening, unzipping, etc. Since neither you (he/him) nor your roommate (him/he) are Scottish, this problem presents vexing facets. The first is, why, when your male roommate began wearing dresses at home and away, did you not suspect that all was not quite right, decide that it was “not cool” and move back in with your parents? Second, the situation does not fit into the locker room exposure genre but definitely fits the “naked guy in the rain coat” theme. The Clown suggests that you leave Mr. Junkman and his peccadilloes. Enjoy!

Dear Mr. Answer Clown,

My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship and it’s causing real problems. The long distance is causing trust issues. What should we do?

Long Distance Fear

Dear Long Distance,

There’s really no reason to fear long distance. It’s been years since long distance calls cost more than calling locally. To put your naive minds at rest, the Clown suggests that you sign up for some sort of “friends and family” package plan and then jabber away about how much you trust each other. Split the cost if you really trust each other. Enjoy!

Dear Mr. Answer Clown,

My sister-in-law considers herself a psychic who can communicate with those in the beyond. When I don’t fully indulge her “spirit contacts”, she gets upset and runs from the room to lie in the dark and compose herself. What should I do?


Dear Doubtful,

Psychics, as you’ve so elegantly pointed out, are a pain in the tookas. They’re all mumbo jumbo, sacred crystals, agate beads, zodiac crap, conspiracy theories, Tarot cards and messages from dear dead uncle Theodore, the one who ruined several Thanksgiving dinners with his Tucker Carlson vision of reality. You didn’t want to hear him then and you sure don’t want to communicate with him now that he is in an urn on Aunt Bebe’s mantel. The next time your loopy sister-in-law gets that faraway look in her eyes and starts channeling some dead celebrity, give her a snarky “Sure, right” and when she goes into the dark room, lock the frigging door and don’t let her out until she agrees to get counseling. Enjoy!

Dear Mr. Answer Clown,

We’ve been married for seven years but now, there’s no more “zing”. We want to be in love again. What should we do?

We Lost Our Zing

Dear Lost Zing,

Bless your hearts, you’ve reached the seven-year-itch period of your marriage. Clearly, you have reached out for suggestions on how to rekindle the romance and, put bluntly, the lust. There are dozens of self-help books on this issue. Don’t waste your money. You both have the itch. Best just to scratch it. Sign yourselves up at a hook-up site, spend a few weeks or months boinking like bunnies with bimbobs and bimbos. Share your experiences if it turns you on (which would be the point, wouldn’t it?) and then, when the reality of the shallowness and emptiness of such casual and carnal trysts sinks in, your connection to one another will likely re-bloom with new sexual techniques thrown into the bargain. Or maybe not. It’s worth a shot. Enjoy!

Dear Mr. Answer Clown,

My boyfriend and I have been dating for five months and I love his personality. He treats me great when it’s just the two of us but when we go out socially, he basically ignores me and spends his time talking to other women, touching them in the small of their backs and complimenting their looks. Should I be concerned?

Ignored Girlfriend

Dear Ignored,

Before the Clown gets to his considered opinion, could he interest you in some waterfront property near Houston? It’s not exactly on the coast yet but, given a couple of years, voila. It’s a real investment goldmine if you get on board now. Operators are standing by. Where was I? Oh, yes, should you be concerned? Let me answer you with some rhetorical questions. Would you be concerned if you saw a funnel cloud descend from a blue/black super cell and roar toward you? Would you be concerned if you were confronted by a snarling, lurching pit bull with spittle flying from his frothing jaws? How concerned would you be if a surgeon put your brain scan on the light table and there was a strange mass, the size of a grapefruit but shaped like Idaho, crowding out all the grey matter in your skull? If your answer to any or all of these question is, “Not really”, then maintain your relationship with Mr. Personality. I’m sure the long-term picture will be interesting. Enjoy!

The Clown has so much wisdom to share that it really should create some sort of cash flow. Oddly, it hasn’t. There were several more advice letters that deserved responses but, honestly, reading them gives the Clown a serious case of the blues knowing that most of these writers also vote. Yikes!

Observoid of the Day: If America doesn’t tame and reform the disinformation industry dragon, it will devour our democracy.

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