According to several reliable news sources, including The Guardian of London and the New York Times, China has banned the “erotic on-line consumption of bananas” on any of the country’s several hundred live web-streaming sites. These sites, largely unregulated to date, are in the cross hairs of President Xi Jinping’s efforts to promote civilized behavior on China’s already heavily controlled Internet.
Based on the Clown’s experience involving things that combine eroticism, the Internet, young, hormone-amped techies and suggestively-shaped fruit, President Xi is doomed to failure. “Civilized behavior on the Internet” is an oxymoron.
As the world has come to realize, President Xi is a bit of a prude and he is intent on purifying the Internet, a challenge akin to convincing The Donald to get a buzz cut.
Of course, the Chinese have a long history of overt sexual activity as evidenced by the fact that there are 1.2 billion of them, suggesting that many of them have been going at it like bunnies for quite some time. President Xi, however, wants the kinkier aspects of these libidinous urges to be less public. Of course there has been some push-back from active live-streamers.
“First they came for our bananas,” says Papi Jiang, a 29-year-old comedian who has millions of on-line followers. “What next, tacos?”
Ms. Papi had recently been reprimanded by the government for using coarse and offensive language in her live streams. She used both the terms “poopy heads” and “pee-pee brain” when referring to certain government officials whose job requirements include a sense-of-humorectomy.
Defending his President’s directive is humorless Xuan Pingdang, Director of the Salacious Fruits and Vegetables Division of China’s Agricultural Ministry.
“Chinese fruits and vegetables are wholesome, nutritious, chemical-free, beautiful, locally-grown, perfectly shaped, flavorful and disease-free. They should be treated with utmost respect and reverence,” said Mr. Xuan between bites of a Red Army Delicious apple. “To think that some beautiful, mini-skirted, cleavage-showing hottie would take one of our bananas and suggestively slip it between her glistening, pouty, red lips while slowly running her fingers along the soft mound of her ample breast and gaze at the camera with her doe eyes as if to indicate to a viewer that this is what (gulp), what…..she would (gulp)….where was I?”
After regaining his true Party Member composure, Mr. Xuan added, “You can be sure that I will personally research this issue fully.”
Somewhat surprisingly, the audience for most of China’s live streams is almost entirely male, although the content covers a wide variety of (mostly) traditional female activities including drawing dogs (my personal favorite), playing drums, putting on makeup, singing, dancing, cooking, dining, taking care of one’s skin and affectionately handling and eating bananas. One enterprising young man, Minzhe Huang, tried to build a female audience by suggestively slurping raw oysters for several minutes every evening on-line but was forced to abandon the effort due to a severe gagging fit during episode Number 4. Apparently, his show did not build a large following. Perhaps he should have drawn a dog who was playing the drums while humping a banana.
“The Internet is an important carrier to spread mankind’s fine cultures and promote positive energy,” President Xi told his country’s World Internet Conference last December, a statement that clearly shows how totally out of touch Xi is. To his credit, he also mentioned the importance of cat videos but this section of his speech was redacted prior to its release to the media.
In a related note, sales of bananas have sky-rocketed throughout the Middle Kingdom and both the Association of Cucumber Collective Farms (ACCF) and the Peasants Committee of Zucchini Growers (PCZG) have petitioned the government to ban their produce from the Internet in hopes of a similar sales boost.
The decision to ban certain agricultural products from the Internet is awaiting Comrade Xuan’s research into the potential abuses of farmed products that resemble or suggest human genitalia. His research has expanded to include various melon varieties, any number of marble-sized round fruit, a particularly suggestive gourd family and tacos.
Observoid of the Day: No need to back-up your files, the NSA makes copies.