It’s time again to dip into the old mail bag (a.k.a. Spam Folder) to see what problems confront some of my loyal readers. The Clown considers this his Public Service, as required by the court. But, that is another story. So, let’s get started.
Dear Answer Clown: During a recent family car trip, I saw my father-in-law scrolling through a gay dating site, sending inappropriate messages and receiving nasty notes in return. Should I confront him or tell my husband? Disgusted
Dear Disgusted: This is exactly the sort of thing that the Clown has warned readers about, time and time again. Do not take “family car trips”…ever! As for confronting your father-in-law about his persuasions, I’d keep that knowledge to yourself until such time that you need leverage in family disputes about inheritances.
Dear Answer Clown: My girlfriend has left the city with her pilates instructor, won’t return my texts, won’t return my calls and has asked the Post Office to forward her mail to an address in Big Sur. Should I be worried? Frantic
Dear Frantic: You strike me as a complete moron, and I say that in the kindest possible way. Anyway, calm down, calm down. These infatuations with pilates instructors always fizzle out. Same with yoga instructors. Oh, sure, there’s the admiration for their perfect bodies, their gentle approach to physical touching and their soft, nearly hypnotic voices. Compared to you, no doubt, a real catch. Sooner or later, however, the “namaste” BS wears thin and your girlfriend will miss your night noises, your stubble, the faint hint of deodorant breaking through the BO, your softer, rounder body type and your endless prattle. In the meantime, sign up on a dating site.
Dear Answer Clown: My boyfriend has ill-fitting false teeth and refuses to wear them around the house. It is ruining our sex life. He looks like my grandpa. What should I do? Frustrated
Dear Frustrated: Why dump your Freudian hang-ups on me? What have you got against your grandpa? Did he molest you? Expose himself to you when you were pre-pubesent? Many older people, too poor for regular dental care, have had to resort to false teeth. That doesn’t have anything to do with their level of perversity. Now, however, you are projecting your grandpa issues onto your poor boyfriend. Get over it. Perhaps you could suggest that he offer you “some candy little girl?’ to get you in the mood.
Dear Answer Clown: I’m a newlywed. My husband bought me a French maid’s teddy from an on-line marital aids site. It’s skimpy and I’ve found that I really enjoy doing household chores in it. My husband thought it was cute at first but when I started dealing with the landscape crew and termite guy wearing it he objected and demanded that I stop. Is he being reasonable? Teddy Fan
Dear Teddy Fan: This is a tough call. From your description (“skimpy”), it’s difficult to make a sound judgement. I suggest that you take several selfies, wearing the teddy, and send them to the Clown for evaluation.
Dear Answer Clown: I refuse to use social media for various reasons: privacy, wasted time, creepy algorithms, etc. However, this has caused strains with friends and family. They say that I am a snob and accuse me of being uninterested in their lives and activities. Are they right? Loner
Dear Loner: You do realize, dear Loner, that we are well into the 21st century. You can no longer build self-esteem by measuring your actual friendships, good works, social graces, kind human interactions and hand-written “thank you” notes. A person like you, unglued from your smart phone, not one Facebook friend to your name, no Twitter or Instagram “likes”, no Snapchat buddies, etc. is on the road to 1950. Our society cannot abide such as yourself, given that you have no access to misinformation, no exposure to alt left and right rant threads, cute cats videos are not part of your information diet, you get no targeted ads for psoriasis, the list goes on and on and on and on. You are simply unprepared to meet life head-on. You are, what’s the word?….. pitiful. Never write to the Clown again.
Well, readers, that ends today’s session of bringing clarity to the confused, bewildered, disgusted, love lorn and stupid. If you have a burning issue to be addressed by the Clown, please send it. You may get lucky. Then again, the Clown might actually answer it.
Observoid of the Day: Anyone with a smart phone is a media outlet with no written standards, no editors and no fact checkers.