Like Santa but with Evil Intent

In a Sunday New York Times special section, “One Nation Tracked”, co-authors, Stuart A. Thompson and Charlie Warzel reveal how unregulated companies are able to gather boatloads of an individual citizen’s data by tracking that person’s smart phone. The data base they used was provided by an anonymous insider at just one of dozens of such companies worldwide. This one data base included 50 BILLION location pings from 12 million Americans.

Without much effort, they were able to identify individual visitors to Johnny Depp’s estate. The same was true for visitors to Tiger Wood’s and Arnold Schwarzenegger’s compounds. “It’s child’s play to connect real names to the dots that appear on the maps,” according to one of the journalists.

They tracked and identified military leaders, law enforcement officers and high-powered lawyers going about their daily routines. The lawyers were mostly counting the wages of their sins, while cruising on their yachts.

They even followed Trump’s location and timeline by the minute, when he left Mar-a-Lago to go golfing at Trump National Golf Club in Jupiter, then back to Mar-a-Lago for a dinner with Prime Minister Abe of Japan. One of the President’s Secret Service agents left a trail of pings as he served on the protective detail. The writers then identified that agent when he returned home to the DC area, made a personal stop (also identified) before returning to his home and family. One hopes that he merely stopped to get gasoline. Because of their proximity to public figures, Secret Service agents are particularly easy to identify. The Secret Service declined to comment on this breach of privacy.

Well! The Clown, being a semi-famous American, read this article and was horrified. These data collectors could easily see the list of people who visit the Clown’s compound on a routine basis. This would include Jehovah’s Witnesses, the UPS driver, the Amazon driver and the Postman (Newman, except when it rains). They could track where the Clown goes regularly, including: Jersey Mike’s Sub Shop, Midas Muffler, Steinmart, Whole Foods, Mi Ling’s Oriental Massage Parlor and Mid-Cities Proctology Clinic.

In a brilliant strategy, to mess with these smart phone spies, the Clown has clipped his phone onto his dog’s collar. If the Clown needs to make a call–yes, yes, these devices allow you to make phone calls–he simply whistles for the obedient cur, makes the call and then clips the phone back in place. As a result, the data base search for me contains some interesting speculation based on pings. Here is a summary of their report.

The subject, Mr. 13th Clown, usually sleeps fitfully during the night, changing locations in his home frequently but rarely sleeping in the master bedroom. This may indicate marital issues with his current spousal unit.

Upon waking, the subject immediately goes into the yard, walks around aimlessly, stops at certain spots for two to twelve seconds and then returns inside and goes right back to sleep on the living room couch. This may indicate some medical issues such as narcolepsy, although the only doctor he ever visits is a veterinarian.

During the remainder of the day, while not sleeping in some random spot in his home, the subject goes into the yard and repeatedly sprints at incredible speed between two points, about forty yards apart. He may do this routine 30 or more times. This illustrates not only amazing endurance but Olympic quality speed. For a man of his age, this would indicate some form of drug induced enhancement.

Later, after exercising in the described manner, the subject will again roam the yard aimlessly, stopping frequently and then stopping at one spot, circling six or seven times and then remaining stock still for 20 to 30 seconds followed by a brisk retreat from that spot. This could indicate some neurological aberration. Additional evidence of psychosis includes his occasional mad dash through a heavily wooded portion of his property followed by a sudden stop at the base of a tree where the subject lingers for many seconds, simply staring up the trunk. 

The remainder of the daylight hours are spent motionless in his home. This lack of movement could be attributed to sleeping or similar non-activities. Alternative theories include coma, rigor mortis, very patient hide-and-seek or paralyzing fear of the coming election.

As my readers can see, it is possible, with some imagination, to throw the snoops off the trail. You could, for instance, clip your phone to your cat. In which case, the snooper’s report would be brief.

Apparently, the subject is dead.


Observoid of the Day: If you are approaching your 50th, take heart, J-Lo has illustrated (Super Bowl Halftime Show) that 50 is the new 25.

This entry was posted in Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink.

1 Response to Like Santa but with Evil Intent

  1. Lindsay M Breeden says:

    Love this, Clown. But E. Barkin is threatening a lawsuit.

Go ahead, leave a comment

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.