As the 2020 election season begins its hideous slog toward November, with its possible choices of an ignorant, orange populist, an angry, deranged populist or an exceedingly experienced politician with hair plugs, the Clown has decided to reveal that he is part of the Democratic cabal intent on assuring that certain policy decisions are eventually put into place, regardless of who our old, fearless, white or clueless leader might be.
After listening to the voices on the right, Rush, Laura, Sean, Gaetz, FOX and Friends, et al, I realized that there are many misperceptions about what Democrats really want and what their goals really are. This seems like a good time to set the record straight.
The Clown is a member of the local chapter of America Hater’s Alliance (AHA), a popular branch of the Democratic Party. As our by-laws state, “Of course we hate America, any sane person would.” The “sanity” modifier eliminates large swaths of the American population.
Our group consists of the required collection of egg-heads, tree huggers, Volvo drivers, chardonnay and blush wine drinkers, self-anointed black ministers, paranoid earth mamas, college professors, criminal defense lawyers, community activists, Latino fruit and vegetable pickers, food stamp recipients and disillusioned AARP members. Our titular head is, of course, George Soros. (For those of you who think that “titular” and “head” are some sort of code for sexual deviancy within our group, you may be on to something. Check with Rush. He has all the answers.)
Our agenda contains five basic tenets as described below.
Immigration Reform. Anyone and everyone who shows up at the border will be accepted as a new citizen. They will be provided with free health care, housing, a guaranteed annual income, free college for children, a fishing boat, new clothes, a bath and almost immediate qualification for Social Security. The only requirements for qualification are proving that they are (1) tired, (2) poor, and (3) came from some mass in which they were previously huddled thus finding it difficult to breathe free. Of course the rapists, murderers, scofflaws, drug dealers, gang-bangers, etc. would be evenly re-settled across the country to insure that the spike of violent criminal behavior would be distributed fairly.
Fetus Killing: We encourage new, painful and innovative ways to kill zygotes, embryos, fetuses and the almost born. We loathe all forms of pre-birth human life as much as many Republicans hate babies born into poverty in order to game the food stamp system. Clearly, baby hating is a shared, bi-partisan mindset. The only difference is timing, a small and surmountable hurdle, once discussed calmly.
Religious Freedom: Christianity has had a good 2,000+ year run but its stock is on the wane. We believe that all Christian churches should take down any crosses from their buildings which are visible from the street. Many people see these Christian symbols as micro-aggressions that cause them to feel “less American” as they shop at the local halal market. The same logic applies to the Star of David on public display. We don’t yet extend this ban to public symbols of Islam because this religion has only been around for 750 years and needs more time to prove itself worthy of banishment. Also, Islam claims to be the “religion of peace”. We believe them.
Foreign Policy: America needs to completely eliminate military intervention as part of its world leadership strategy. We need to follow the example of Luxembourg regarding things military. Diplomatic discussions, or “talk therapy”, although occasionally suspect in the realm of personal psychoanalysis, is always successful in foreign affairs. Conflict resolution through endless talk is the best policy, thus freeing up billions of defense dollars to pay for our immigration policy and Medicare For All. Look, we could have worked things out with Hitler, et al, if we hadn’t been so quick on the trigger in 1941. Sure, Japan bloodied our nose on December 7, 1941, but serious talks could have averted the larger conflict that followed. We should have listened to Charles Lindbergh. We have let America’s “big stick” completely dominate international relations. Of course there are times when military force is necessary. For instance, we should have sent troops to Great Britain once they voted for Brexit. Too late.
Reparations: To completely even-up the historical books regarding the institution of slavery and/or genocide, we are calling for privileged white citizens to purchase 40 acres of farmland and give them to the first black person they run into. Include a mule. If this process is too difficult or the black person knows diddly about farming, simply give the black person the deed to your home. If you would rather shower your guilt money on Hispanics or American Indians, consider substantial gifts involving lawn maintenance equipment or several hundred thousand head of bison.
AHA strongly believes that once these progressive policies are put into place, the survival of America, as created in 1787, will quickly end. That is our goal, the destruction of America. Always has been, forever will be. Bwaaaahaaahaaaa. Democrats kept this particular strategic light under a bushel for 148 years. Then, with FDR’s socialist programs, beginning in 1935, along with subsequent Democratic legislation, the truth began to slowly trickle out. Social Security, the WPA, fluoridated water, Medicare, Medicaid, voting rights, SNAP, etc. each did their part to erode the very foundations of the Republic. All that is necessary now is the final shove over the cliff.
We’re not sure what form of government will follow the demise of the Republic but the AHA is tingly with anticipation.
Observoid of the Day: If we can’t agree on a sarcasm font, we should at least agree on a sarcasm color.