QAnon Explains Himself

The Internet poster known as “QAnon” has created quite a following in the US and around the world. Q has identified him/herself as an insider from the Energy Department with the highest level of security clearance available, which insiders refer to as the “Cross My Heart and Hope to Die” Code.

Many investigators have tried to determine who Q is and many QAnon followers believe they already know, and that it is Donald John Trump his-own-self. Given that the “faithful” are, well, faithful, the actual identity of Q is less important than the fact that Q has the inside dope because Q told them so. Case closed.

Among many other claims, QAnon has built a reputation by revealing that an evil, child-abducting, bloodthirsty, pedophile ring is made up of a cabal of various liberal world leaders including George Soros, Hillary and Bill, Obama, Leon Panenta and many other notables who aren’t Republicans. Oh, and Angela Merkel is Adolph Hitler’s granddaughter. Seems reasonable.

Wait, it gets better.

The Clown’s mobile phone chirped about a month ago and a muffled voice said, “Mr. Clown, this is Q, you know, of QAnon.”

“Yes,” said the Clown, “I thought you might call.”

“Let’s meet someplace secret, like a Starbucks,” said the caller, “And I can explain some of the mysteries about how we got started, media strategies and success. I know that I can trust someone with this sensitive information who posts under the alias of The 13th Clown.”

“Too true,” the Clown replied.

The Starbucks meeting was scheduled for the following week in an undisclosed unit of the chain’s 15,000 U.S. locations, thus providing anonymity for Q. Any Clown in a Starbucks is often assumed to be on a coffee break from his job as a directional sign for a tax preparation firm. You know, those guys who stand on the street corner twirling a directional cardboard sign. Many QAnon followers are influenced by such clever marketing tactics, thus the success of H&R Block.

Q is an average-looking young fellow, maybe 25 or 30 sporting a man bun. He was accompanied by his partner who introduced himself as QBall. Q explained that he had chosen Q as his on-line moniker because it stood for QWERTY, the touch typing technique he had learned in high school.*

“Back in 2017,” Q began, “QBall and I were drinking piña coladas and watching Sean Hannity for giggles. I remarked to QBall that people believe the weirdest shit. QBall said he wondered how preposterous a story could be before the FOXers would finally say, ‘Hey wait a minute, we’re being punked?'”

“Then it hit me,” said Q. “I said, ‘Ball, we should test that observation. You know, create an unverifiable “back story” of being an insider and then post something mildly ridiculous on 4Chan and see if it goes viral. If so, then we keep adding outlandish content until we are found out as pranksters. That shouldn’t take long.'”

The Clown wryly noted that QAnon had been roiling the Internet for over three years.

“Exactly,” said Q. “Ball and I are astounded. We started by piggy-backing on the ‘Pizza-Gate’ story about children being hidden in the basement of a pizza joint near D.C. by Hillary Clinton and other pedophiles of high profile who make up the international cabal set on destroying America while buggering children. Seriously? I mean, the pizza joint doesn’t even have a basement and their storeroom has, you know, pizza making stuff.”

“Then what?”, asked the Clown.

“Well, we decided that adding ‘cannibalism’ and ‘Satan worshipping’ to the mix would surely do the trick, but no, the FOXers just swallowed it and sent it to every fringe element in their social circles, which is, it turns out, all of their friends.”


“Then we added the ‘drinking children’s blood to keep the Satan-worshipping, human-trafficking Democratic pedophiles alive forever’ and, boom, it also goes viral,” said Q.

He went on. “There were so many juicy conspiracy theories floating around since the ‘birther’ thing that we just started adding preposterous ‘facts’ (Q used air-quotes) to such things as the Sandy Hook massacre and the belief that Donald Trump was sent by God to destroy the Democratic cabal. The latest is our claim that JFK, Jr. is alive and well and preparing to reveal his true identity and become Trump’s new running mate after hiding out in Pittsburg for the last 21 years. We figured that the ‘hiding in Pittsburg’ part would finally reveal us as pranksters. JFK, Jr. would never select Pittsburg, Carmel maybe, but never Pittsburg. Even that hasn’t worked.”

“So, what’s your plan Q?” the Clown asked.

“We’ve been working on a new conspiracy theory that should finally work, one that even dotards will recognize as ‘punking’ the faithful. It goes like this: liberal US military generals have planted a special ray gun on the moon. It was developed at Area 51. It was all done in secret and used robots because everyone knows that man has never actually been to the moon. This ray is super accurate and can train its beam on individuals by operators experienced with drone warfare. If Trump is re-elected, the plan is to target him and his entire family plus Bob Barr. The ray doesn’t injure or kill the victim, it changes their sexual preferences. If successful, the Democrats are hoping that the next sexual scandal involving Trump will also involve Bob Barr. We call that the ‘ewww factor’. If this one works, QBall and I can go back to interior design.”

It. Might. Work.



Observoid of the Day: “If things were simple, word would have got around.”—          Jacques Derrida


* One of QAnon’s better tricks is to post some ominous but vague warning on-line and then add a “code” of random numbers and letters inviting the faithful to “figure it out”. Then, the most  bizarre meanings dreamed up in fevered conspiracy brains scurry across the Internet like COVID spreading through a White House reception . QWERTY skills allow QAnon to avoid any real meaning whatsoever in the codes. Heh, heh, heh.

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1 Response to QAnon Explains Himself

  1. Charley Toedman says:

    Best Ever

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