Who News

For many years, my Sunday assignment has been to go grocery shopping for the essential support items that a home requires: cat litter, beer, toilet paper, dog food, dog treats, flea medication, beer, bacon, Hot Pockets, etc. I shop at the neighborhood market.

My current wife then shops on Monday for things fresh, organic, unprocessed, leafy, green, free range and healthy. She shops for these items at a place called Whole Foods Market, a place I fondly think of as “Give Us Your Whole Wallet Market”.

My Sunday assignment has had me passing through the grocery check-out lanes for years, only vaguely aware that there are things going on in the world about which I have paid scant attention. I know this because of the raft of magazine covers screaming headlines at me over the top of a case of beer (12 pack) or a package of ultra soft and absorbent toilet tissue (12 pack). Coincidence? I think not.

This past week I vaulted onto the pop culture bandwagon without injuring myself and purchased a copy of every magazine displayed in the check-out lane. I rushed home, gave the dog a treat and then read through “inTouch”, “Life&Style”, “Star” and “Woman’s World”.

Suffice to say, reading these magazines revealed some rather shocking things that would have otherwise slipped into history without my knowledge. Let me share a handful of the most important.

A toddler, Mason Dash Disick, is the son of Kourtney Kardashian and boyfriend Scott Disick, or maybe not. Michael Girgenti has revealed that he and Kourney had “unprotected sex” while she and Scott were having a month-long spat. Then, whammo, Kourtney has a baby nine months later. Well now, Michael, who apparently takes paternity issues seriously, wants Mason Dash to have a DNA test. I suppose Michael wants to prove that he is the father so that he can then pay several hundred thousand dollars in child support until Mason Dash reaches 18. Michael is the very definition of a mensch. This news raised two critical questions in my mind: (1) Who names a kid “Dash” and (2) Who are these people?

I also learned that superfan, Matteo Agrusa, had Amanda Byne’s eyeball tattooed on his back. One cannot make this stuff up. There are critical questions that this bit of news raises: (1) How does someone reach the tipping point and go from being a fan to becoming a superfan? (2) Does it require tattooing in all cases? (3) If so, does the tattoo have to be of a bodily organ? and (4) Who are these people?

If you haven’t already heard, Nick Lachey thinks that Joe Simpson is gay. You heard me right, Nick says that Joe is gay. I have two questions: (1) Who could possibly care (except perhaps Joe?) and (2) Who are these people?

John Legend and Chrissy Teigens’s wedding plans have hit a “snag” because John is suspected of cheating on Chrissy already. Four issues here: (1) Technically speaking, since this couple isn’t married yet, wouldn’t “cheating” actually be “sowing the last of the wild oats”? (2) Doesn’t this happen at most bachelor parties these days? (3) Wouldn’t this fact make it less a “snag” and more of an uncomfortable sign that John has fidelity issues and (4) Who are these people?

Mauricio Umansky has been caught cheating on his wife, Kyle Richards, with a former call girl. This would really be a Section C story in most publications except for three things: (1) Who names their baby girl “Kyle”? (2) Has the former call girl actually given up the profession or is it simply that she now makes appointments via text messaging? (3) If so, wouldn’t that make her a “text girl”? (4) Who are these people?

Finally, I read some shocking news about people whose names I recognized.

Apparently, the real father of Prince Michael I, Paris and Prince Michael II Jackson, a.k.a. Blanket, is Mark Lester, long-time Michael Jackson friend. At Jackson’s request in 1996, Mark donated sperm to Michael. The story did not go into specifics regarding the exact nature of the hand-off, so to speak. Jackson’s former doctor, Arnold Klein, and a Jackson bodyguard, Matt Fiddes, also claim to have donated sperm to Michael. There are several important and unanswered questions: (1) Does this mean that Jackson has no living heirs and therefor the rest of his upright family (and maybe Mr. Lester, Dr. Arnold and Mr. Liddes) can get their hands on a boatload of money? (2) If Jackson actually fathered the three children, why would he ask male associates to bring him their sperm? Ewwww. (3) What’s up with the nickname “Blanket”? and finally, (4) Why don’t any of Michael’s children have the “pre-plastic surgery” Jackson nose?

Wrapping up my immersion in pop culture, I learned that Justin Bieber is the country’s “Least-liked musician” with 54% of the respondents in a national survey saying so. I also learned that in reaction to a Bieber Tweet, “Gonna go on a walk”, that he got 55,000 re-tweets. These two pieces of information seem to be at odds until you realize that it is just another sign of how Obama has polarized the nation.


Observoid of the Day: Ignorance is loud, knowledge hushed.


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4 Responses to Who News

  1. Diane says:

    Oh, this made me laugh! And thank you for giving me the highlights/Cliffs Notes version. Now I don’t have to read any of them! It’s like being in high school all over again!
    P.S. Did you ever find out who those people were?

  2. Dolly Jacobs says:

    Dear Bruce – I think you need to get out more often and mingle with us common folk. Next you’re going to say you’re not familiar with Honey Boo Boo. Love you, Cousin Dolly

  3. Dick Rutschman says:

    WOW! You’ve absolutely hit the mark on this one. I too have always pondered for many years, under like conditions, “Who are these people”? I just thought it was due to my lack of desire to learn about the lives of the people that everyone else knew everything about. I have concentrated more on the mathmatical formulas of most women when arriving at the sum of their gambling fortunes as applied to lottery tickets or casinos. Perhaps “The Clown” could share his wisdom on this subject in the near future. (Example: She purchases $10 in lottery scratch tickets, scratches all the tickets, tallies up the amount reimbursed by the state, usually $2 and then proclaims “I won”!) (I throw my bucket of water on the excitement and explain, “No, you’ve lost $8) Splain dat Homey!

  4. Brooke Brittain Yount says:

    I think now that you are the tattooing type, you should figure out who you are a super fan of and tattoo one of their body parts on your body. Just a thought 🙂

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