Scientific American editorialized in March: “Privacy advocates rightly worry that drones, equipped with high-resolution video cameras, infrared detectors and even facial-recognition software, will let snoops into realms that have long been considered private.” Like your backyard. Or, with the sort of thermal imaging used to catch the Boston bombing fugitive hiding under a boat tarp, your bedroom. Bill Keller, New York Times, June 17, 2013
Security Update Memo to Office of President Cruz, June 2017
Mr. President, the following is our daily operational report compiled via our Terrorist Intentions Technology (TIT) on domestic subject (suspect) 371,457,911, A.K.A. The 13th Clown A.K.A., according to TSA’s data base, Bruce Abdullah Brittain.
June 5, 2017
0136 Hrs: Thermal Imaging Technology (TIT/2) indicated that subject changed positions in bed, scratched briefly at his mid-torso region and passed a small amount of gas. Further analysis indicated that the gas had only minor toxicity. No immediate threat associated with these activities.
0324 Hrs: Subject exited bed to the right side, shuffled to the water closet and trickled a small amount of urine into commode. No immediate threat associated with this activity.
0325 Hrs: Subject continued to trickle. No immediate threat associated with this activity.
o326 Hrs: Trickling nearly completed. No immediate threat associated with this activity.
0328 Hrs: Subject returned to bed, stepping on sleeping dog in the process and, according to our Audio Sentry System (ASS), uttered a sotto-voice profanity. The dog slunk to a far corner of room assuming that she had done something wrong. No immediate threat associated with these activities.
0543 Hrs through 0548 Hrs: See comments for 0324 Hrs through 0328 Hrs re: water closet visit for description of activity. There were no dog interactions during these movements. No immediate threat associated with this activity.
0715 Hrs: Subject suddenly thrashed about when iPhone alarm sounded, knocking phone to floor. Subject uttered profanities at normal conversational levels, retrieved phone, engaged the “Snooze” feature and pulled covers over head. No significant damage to iPhone was detected and its tracking feature remains operable. Dog left room. No immediate threat associated with these activities.
0745 Hrs: Following a prolonged visit to the water closet (see two previous water closet comments), subject moved to kitchen area of domicile and prepared hot liquid in small appliance. Further analysis reveals slight toxicity in liquid but non-lethal in amounts less than tanker truck volume. Primary toxic ingredient: caffeine. No immediate threat associated with this activity.
0800 Hrs through 0900 Hrs: Subject took hot liquid to office area of domicile, turned on desk-top (no really, this guy still has a desk-top and it’s not even an Apple) and read the on-line feed from THE NEW YORK TIMES!!!! While no immediate threat is expected, this activity is a clear indication that suspect needs continued monitoring as he is likely an enemy of the state based on media preferences.
0924 Hrs: Subject received reminder robo call re: his appointment with urologist, Dr. William Peters. No immediate threat associated with this activity.
1018 Hrs: Subject placed call to office of Dr. Omar Khan, podiatrist, and scheduled an appointment. Further investigation required. Caution is advised.
1142 Hrs: Subject received call from Stephani O’Connor, receptionist for Dr. Sharon Bonds, gastroenterologist. The call informed the subject that due to a cancellation there was an opening for him on the following day. Subject agreed and made a few slightly flirty and really lame comments to Ms. O’Connor before terminating the call. No immediate threat associated with this activity.
1215 Hrs: Subject met male comrade at nearby Mexican restaurant. Conversation revolved primarily around family and career topics. Male comrade’s dossier details that he is a registered Republican and a known Methodist. Therefore, this male comrade is not considered an immediate threat although the whole thing could be a clever cover and their conversation conducted in some type of code. Further meta-analysis required. Both subjects had the Burrito Special #2. No immediate threat associated with this activity but caution is advised.
1330 Hrs: Subject returned to domicile, went to screened porch and spent about 30 minutes on a Sudoku puzzle (level of difficulty: Moron). Subject slammed puzzle in waste basket, used modest profanities at a louder than normal conversational level. Dog slunk to far corner of porch assuming that whatever was wrong was her fault. No immediate threat associated with this activity.
1410 Hrs: Subject shuffled through a stack of magazines and selected THE ATLANTIC!!!! Subject’s troubling pattern of media usage suggests that eventual terrorist thoughts and activities are highly likely. Our operatives later sorted through the other reading material on the porch and found THE NEW YORKER, THE ECONOMIST and Golf Digest. We suspect the latter is an awkward attempt to throw us off the trail. While the subject’s reading preferences pose no immediate threat, they certainly reinforce the administration’s decision to maintain the subject in our TIT and ASS programs.
1500 Hrs: Subject moved from chair to sofa on porch, assumed a prone position, passed a small amount of gas (probably a burrito reaction as toxicity was negligible) and dozed off. No immediate threat associated with this activity.
1637 Hrs: Subject placed a call to a number in Texas and spoke briefly with Weston, a male person of roughly five years of age (no available data on this person yet). Conversation revolved around T-Ball game outcome and child’s basic stats (at bats, hits, home runs, amazing fielding plays and post-game refreshment details). No immediate threat associated with this activity. Further investigation into Texas contact recommended.
1655 Hrs: Subject received appointment e-mail reminder from the office of Dr. Safid Waziri, orthopedic surgeon. Conversations with Dr. Waziri will be closely monitored during the scheduled office visit. Further information will be reported after Dr. Waziri’s profile has been examined. Caution is advised.
1945 Hrs: Subject and spousal unit gathered in the living area of the domicile and opened a bottle of CHARDONNAY!!!! Given that most terrorists reject alcohol as the “drink of apostates and infidels”, consumption of white wine indicates that subject has not yet fully embraced extremism but the fact that it is chardonnay suggests that subject is well on his way to radicalization. We continue to advise caution.
2100 Hrs: Subject watched SOCCER!!!! on television even though there were several real American sports games being broadcast at the same time (an NBA final game, a Stanley Cup game and an American League Eastern Division baseball game). The televised “football” game, as soccer is called in foreign countries such as Yemen, Iraq, Syria, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Libya, Iran, Jordan and Holland (where many players can now wear turbans), featured some English team against some other English team, both with suspicious sounding names. However, no immediate threat associated with this activity.
2238 Hrs: Subject and spousal unit entered marital bed from opposite sides. Spousal unit applied non-toxic lotion to forearms and hands and then retrieved iPad from the night stand and engaged in a round of “Words With Friends” (analysis of spousal unit’s iPad contents indicated that spousal unit is quite competitive). Subject read a chapter from a biography of someone named Muhammad Ali. We’ve issued a “High Priority” investigation of the book’s subject matter, its author and publisher. Extreme caution is advised.
2315 Hrs: Lights turned off. No immediate threat associated with this activity.
2318 Hrs: Subject scooched closer to spousal unit. Spousal unit scooched away. Subject scooched closer again. Subject is heard to say, “But, Dr. Oz recommends…(inaudible), (inaudible).” Spousal unit can clearly be heard responding, “Dr. Oz is an idiot.” Thermal imaging indicated that subject then scooched back to his side of the bed. Subject scratched briefly at his mid-torso region. No immediate threat associated with this activity.
2320 Hrs: Subject turned light on and left himself an iPhone reminder to make appointment with his dermatologist. Light turned off. No immediate threat associated with this activity.
Summary: While likely not posing an immediate threat of terrorist activity, we recommend maintaining subject’s current classification as a High Operative on Our Terrorist Enemy Roster (HOOTER) based on our TIT algorithm. Continued monitoring of his movements, activities, communications, associations, NetFlix choices, dining preferences, etc. is recommended. We are currently investigating whether naturally occurring flatulence can be weaponized. Given subject’s apparent physical condition we assume that subject will not engage in any terrorist activity that requires much, if any, physical activity.
Observoid of the Day: It actually may be possible to fool all of the people all of the time.