Showing off his foreign policy cred, Chris Christie said the following during the December 15 Republican primary debate, and the Clown quotes word-for-word:
“When I stand across from King Hussein of Jordan, I can say to him, you have a friend, sir, who will stand with you in this fight.”
Given that King Hussein died in 1999, the King’s current fight probably involves worms, mildew and keeping up his strength. A man with Christie’s knowledge of food might indeed be able to help in the strength arena, but that seems remote. I imagine, however, that King Hussein would feel a deep connection to Christie, a man who knows the location of every doughnut shop in Bayonne and Jersey City, New Jersey. History indicates that King Hussein had a passion for the glazed treat.
The fact that a U.S. presidential aspirant feels a bond with a deceased despot, whom said candidate apparently considers alive and kicking, caused the Clown to ruminate on which dead historical figures might appear as lively and inspirational partners to the other candidates.
Using his unmatched skills as a history buff and political observer (skills that many don’t have or want), the Clown has assembled a roster of such matches. This exercise, clearly has no particular value.
The Donald: Given that Putin is still alive, he is disqualified as Donald’s go-to dead guy, although Vlad has expressed admiration for Don and vise versa. The Russian leader called Trump “a bright and talented person” and Trump, through a spokesperson, said it was a “great honor” to be praised by a great leader such as Putin. The Russian may be angling for a spot on the ticket. In the end, however, it will have to be Uncle Joe Stalin who would be Trump’s best deceased despotic partner. As an added plus, Stalin’s body has been preserved in perpetuity (Donald has seen it and says that as corpses go, “It’s great, just great, perhaps the greatest.”), Uncle Joe would make an interesting, presentable and very quiet member of a Trump cabinet.
Hillary: Without a doubt, Mrs. Clinton should use former Israeli Prime Minister Golda Meir as her best dead political ally. Both Ms. Meir and Mrs. Clinton share certain socialist sympathies although Golda’s were of the Zionist type while Hillary’s are of the “just to the right of Bernie Sanders” type (primarily for political expediency). Both women favor sensible clothing what with Golda’s orthopedic shoes and Hillary’s pant suits, a style that relieves the pressure of having to reveal the stout ankle, swollen, I’m told, by incessant campaigning. And, not to put too fine a point on it, Golda makes Hillary look pretty darn good.
Ted Cruz: If this Texas senator could dredge up any deceased historical figure with whom he could “stand”, it would be General Curtis LeMay. Not only do the two men share a passion for carpet bombing but both have shown keen political instincts. LeMay became George Wallace’s running mate in 1968. In spite of high hopes among the racist crowd, that did not turn out well. For his part, Cruz has adopted the “let me pissoff everybody regardless of political affiliation” strategy. He began this effort when he came to Congress in 2013. So far he has been very successful. How this strategy works as a way into the White House remains open to debate. Perhaps he and LeMay could talk it over at a seance.
Jeb Bush: Family dynamics, with sibling rivalries and such, suggest that Jeb’s best choice for an inspiring but completely dead doppelganger would be Billy Carter, oddball brother of Jimmy. Unlike Jeb, however, Billy has had some actual foreign policy experience, which he could share with Jeb, if Billy weren’t dead that is. Billy was a registered foreign agent of the Libyan government during those salad days ushered into Libya by the ever progressive and still possibly dead Muammar Gaddafi (folks, I’m not making this up). Jeb, should his political fortunes head south for lack of foreign policy chops or general popularity, could then consider taking over the Billy Beer franchise and make sales calls to the same pubs, cafes, bars and diners where he is now campaigning as Trump’s favorite insult piñata.
Bernie Sanders: I’m pretty sure that Bernie is aware that his best dead partner, Eugene Debs is, in fact, dead. Bernie is not a man unfamiliar with history, particularly as it relates to socialism. In fact, Debs has long been an inspiration to Bernie, particularly the fact that Debs organized and founded the Industrial Workers of the World (IWW), otherwise known as the “Wobblies”, one of the great political movement nicknames of all time, right up there with “Mugwumps”. Should Bernie choose to emulate his dead hero fully and run for the presidency five times, Bernie will be 90 during the 2031 campaign. He should have his stump speech nailed by then.
Marco Rubio: In the case of the young, slick senator from Florida, the Clown is making an exception on the completely dead requirement and going with the nearly dead Fidel Castro. One could argue that, politically, Fidel is dead. Both men are of Cuban heritage so there is a natural connection. Marco wants to halt immigration and Fidel doesn’t want anyone leaving Cuba, which, in practice, is the same thing, at least for Cubans. Fidel, in order to live the good life after the revolution, “borrowed” millions from the Cuban people but, so far, hasn’t paid it back. Marco, in a similar vein, has relied heavily on Florida billionaire Norman Braman to finance a Rubio family lifestyle that exceeds Marco’s ability to support it. The fact that Marco was a Florida state politician and now U.S. Senator probably had nothing to do with the financier adopting this particular second-generation immigrant family. Norman is such a mensch.
The Clown realizes that there are several other notable presidential candidates this year (Carson, Huckabee, Fiorina, Gilmore, Kasich, Paul, Santorum and O’Malley). However, to match them all up with dead partners would be exhausting and pointless because none of these folks has a prayer of ever renting out the Lincoln bedroom to raise campaign money, if you get my drift.
The Clown has considered a run for the White House his-own-self but is pretty certain that the guards could easily catch a man in polka-dot parachute pants and large red shoes galumphing across the south lawn. As far a choosing a personal despot who has often been reported as dead (mostly by SNL), Generalissimo Francisco Franco of Spain pops to mind. During televised debates, the Clown could have proudly mentioned how he and the Generalissimo would stand together in these perilous times to save America from any number of threats, including the possibility that Mike Huckabee might put all his weight back on and start doing infomercials again. Yikes!
Observoid of the Day: When appealing to the “base” of either party it is wise to speak slowly and use small words.