You Don’t Say

As a seeker of truth, I often listen to conversations at the next table in restaurants. I also listen to one side of cell phone conversations in public places (listening to both sides requires a court-approved wiretap unless it doesn’t, according to the Patriot Act). I listen to children at play and politicians at work. In brief, eavesdropping is an essential item in my truth-seeking toolbox.

Perhaps more interesting than what I hear is what I don’t hear, especially from certain groups. This has given rise to my soon-to-be-famous list of things that you don’t hear people say. These lists are not complete, I’ve included just a few of those things that I most often don’t hear people say. Let’s get right to it.

Things That Men Don’t Say

1. “Let’s get dolled-up and go shopping.”

2. “Isn’t that Michael Bublé just terrific?”

3. “Did you catch ‘The View’ this morning?”

4. “Normally I’d come up but I’m wearing my Green Hornet briefs.”

5. “And I was like, ‘whatever’ and he goes, ‘so’? ”

6. “I’m not qualified to run for President.”

Things That Children Don’t Say

1. “Let’s take a meeting.”

2. The ‘Little Mermaid’ was a tad saccharine for my taste.”

3. “Where’d the Dow end up?”

4. “Nevertheless.”

5. “Isn’t that Michael Bublé just terrific?”

6. “Do these training pants make my butt look big?”

Things That Women Don’t Say

1. “I won’t come to your party because you are a douche-bag.”

2. “Dennis Kucinich is hot.”

3. “Wow, what you’ve done with your place really sucks.”

4. “Let me explain the ‘infield fly rule’.”

5. “What’s the horsepower of this bad boy?”

6. “Normally I’d come up but you strike me as a guy who would wear Green Hornet briefs.”

Things That Politicians Don’t Say

1. “I can’t accept your money, it just wouldn’t be right.”

2. “With all due respect, my esteemed colleague from (name the state) screws goats.”

3. “Isn’t that Michael Bublé just terrific?”

4. “I believe that the opposition is exactly right on this issue.”

5. “I’m not in it for public service, I’m in it for wealth creation.”

6. “I’m not qualified to run for President.”

Things That Rappers Don’t Say

1. “Whippersnapper.”

2. “Nevertheless.”

3. “She is an extraordinarily complex woman.”

4. “Do these pants make my butt look low?”

5. “Isn’t that Michael Bublé just terrific?”

6. “What would be the correct conjugation of this verb?”

Certainly, this is not a comprehensive list for any of these groups, nor does it cover all of the specific groups of people who don’t say certain things (teens, consultants, physicians, bull riders, etc.) but it initiates one’s thinking on the topic. Should you have an example or three of things people don’t say, feel free to include them in the “comments” section of the blog.


Observoid of the Day: The Agnostic’s Creed is, “I’m absolutely certain that I’m not sure.”



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3 Responses to You Don’t Say

  1. Ray Nicodemus says:

    I’m using a few of these my friend, and something you’ll never hear me say: “I have to give credit to Bruce Brittain for coming up with this stuff!”.
    Well maybe.

  2. Jennifer Garr says:

    Who on earth is Michael Bublé???

  3. Barbara Buell says:

    As usual, funny and well written!


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