“Mr. Answer Clown”

As a seeker of truth, the 13th Clown knows almost everything. Thus, many of his readers reach out to him for advice, both personal and professional. These readers also know that the more salacious and tawdry the subject, the more interested and excited “Mr. Answer Clown” becomes while formulating his replies. Once finished, however, he quickly loses interest, smokes a Marlboro and goes to sleep.

It seems appropriate to share some of these Q.& A. gems from the archives. The wisdom of Mr. Answer Clown should not be wasted only on those readers who are too stupid to resolve their own pathetic problems and must resort to asking Mr. Answer Clown. Here are just a handful of favorites.

Q. I am a college student who intends to remain a virgin until marriage. I have had several serious relationships over the past two years but I always get dumped for a “looser” girl. This makes me very sad. I don’t plan on marrying for at least another five years and I don’t want to go that long without having a romantic love interest in my life, what should I do?        Amanda J, 20,  Arlington, VA.

A. Mr. Answer Clown admires your noble resolve but thinks that swearing off recreational sex is simply too hard, not to mention its deleterious impact on your popularity. Mr. Answer Clown suggests that instead, you should swear off voting Republican until after marriage. This should be way easier and yet, still quite noble. I suspect that the “looser” girls are not voting Republican, although this may not be ideology driven but simply an indication that they are humping like minks on election day. Enjoy!

Q. One of my peers at the office is having an affair with our boss. As a result, my competitor is getting raises and plum assignments, including traveling first class with the boss to conferences in attractive places where they cavort on the company dime. They are both gay and I am not. This seems unfair. What should I do?*    Douglas F, 31, Omaha, NE.

A. While it does seem unfair that you are not gay and cannot fairly compete for your boss’s attention, your co-worker shouldn’t be blamed for using an age-old method of climbing the corporate ladder. Sleeping one’s way to the top has a long and storied history. You meddle with this tradition at your peril. However, if you insist on taking action, I suggest the following: (1) take some cooking classes, (2) buy and memorize the contents of every Broadway musical CD available, (3) subscribe to Martha Stewart magazine, (4) heavily gel and spike your hair, (5) buy some really tight, package-accentuating slacks and (6) put a photo of Liza Minnelli in your cubicle. If these steps fail to turn the boss’s head your way, confront your co-worker and scratch his eyes out. Enjoy!

Q My family does not have or want a television in the house. When my parents come to visit, they seem uncomfortable that we don’t have one. They consider us very unusual because we don’t have a TV in the house. For the third time, they have recently sent us a television as a gift. We have given the first two away. How should we handle this?*    Rebecca B, 27, Pittsburgh, PA.

A. I must answer your question with a question: What, are you Quakers or something?  Granola freaks? Paranoid main stream media deniers? Gimmee a clue, here. Unless there is some strange religious/ideological reason that you don’t want to watch “Celebrity Apprentice”, “Jersey Shore”, “American Chopper”, “Teen Mom” or “The Biggest Loser”, where can your family expect to stock up on contemporary culture….NPR? Puleeease. Clearly, your parents are determined to give you televisions until one of them sticks. You seem just as determined to give them away. The process could go on and on. I sense an opportunity here. Send the latest gift to Mr. Answer Clown, as well as any subsequent TVs that your parents send. I’m betting that parents who are this thoughtful likely buy quality brands and Mr. Answer Clown’s current TVs are mostly crappola, as blogging doesn’t pay all that well . Enjoy!

Q. I’m new to the corporate world, having spent many years working in the field for an oil exploration company. A recent promotion has brought me to Houston and the rarefied air of the steel and glass office environment. When there is a social occasion, the dress instructions are often coded by such words as “corporate casual”, “cocktail casual”, “corporate formal” and such. I really haven’t a clue what these things actually mean. Can you help?    Stoney W, 38, Houston, TX.

A. Nope. Enjoy!

Q. I have a very hard time meeting new people and making friends. For example, no one at work ever invites me to go to lunch. I have asked people to go with me but I feel like I’m imposing on them when I do. How can I meet new people and make new friends?*    Stephen T, 46, Philadelphia, PA.

A. Mr. Answer Clown has to be brutally honest here, Stephen, you are annoying. I can tell by the tone of your pathetic query and the fact that you are 46 and have no friends. If you were merely shy, someone would have discovered that years ago and taken you into their social circle. You would have made dozens of friends and eventually become the life of every party. But, instead of being that “shy, cool and most attractive” eligible bachelor who eventually succumbed to the group’s most attractive woman, you lumbered along as an annoying oaf, reading Marvel comics and attending Star Trek conventions. Now, I suppose, you want Mr. Answer Clown to wave his magic wand and give you the answer to a happy life. Ain’ta gunna happen, boss. I give advice, I don’t perform actual miracles. Enjoy!

If you have a question for Mr. Answer Clown, please put it in the “Comments” section of this post. Mr. Answer Clown will either get to it right away or at some unspecified time in the future when things get really, really slow.

*Questions actually sent to advice columnists or on-line advice sites during the past two years.


Observoid of the Day: Democracy is a system of governance in which half of the citizens think that those in the other half are idiots.


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